I can choose to live under my own protection and self preservation, attempting to run from the dark places of my soul I fear so much. I can choose to cover up my sin with more justification. I can choose to try and hide from him and hide from what I know deep in my heart to be true of my sinful self. I can choose to act like a certain situation doesn't affect me or hurt that bad. OR...
I can choose life.
I can choose to let God walk me into the depths of my depraved soul, letting him call me further into the darkness of the cave, to the places that I hide from myself for fear that I am really not as righteous as I think or claim to be. Or for fear that the pain is too much to handle and it will overcome me.
Something I have discovered about this choice is that either way, pain is involved. And if I have learned anything in my walk recently it is that pain demands to be felt. No matter how big or little. But we hate this because we hate being reminded that we are jars of clay, created to depend on a strong God for support and strength. We hate this because our flesh desires to be our god. We want to walk day to day life strong and study!
But I am going to ask you...what are you afraid of?
What is it that you are fighting so hard to hide from not only God but from yourself?
What is the true state of your heart on this or that?
Are you afraid to feel your depravity or the depravity of others?
If so, you are not alone. Me too. But God has shown me wonderful things in these unbearable circumstances of life...
Some of the places I fear the most have to do with allowing myself to hurt over my own sin or over something someone has done to me. I am often afraid of feeling it. I am afraid of the pain I or someone else has caused. Afraid I won't be forgiven or that maybe I won't forgive. But God reminds me that he meets me at my most vulnerable and broken places. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.' Psalm 34:18
Do you believe that? I know you probably know it and say you trust it...but do you really believe that?
It is true. He really will meet you at those places in yourself you are terrified to enter.
Because I have to wonder...
if we aren't allowing ourselves to feel the weight of our sin or hurt...are we really seeing the weight of grace? are we seeing what he really paid for or his sufficiency for us?
I've been allowing myself to go there in recent months. I am feeling everything and sometimes I wonder why I chose this way. It felt much better hiding from my emotions and turning them off. No one was hurting me and I didn't feel it when I hurt others. It was a seemingly great place to be. Seemingly. However, it left me broken. It robbed me of real joy. It robbed me of deep intimacy with Jesus. It made relationships with people even harder. It was actually exhausting and discouraging me. It made me blind to what God was actively doing and what he desired to do. It SAPPED MY PEACE. What I thought was comfortable was actually just me flattering myself...thinking that I could run from myself, people, and God.
So maybe you're afraid of going there...
maybe you don't even realize you are...
Just know that from someone who has finally surrendered to it, it's a beautiful place of grace, love, and surreal joy. THAT is only possible through the Lord meeting us where we are. Make your descent into truth. Let it humble you. Let him hide you in his wings when you get to those dark places you never wanted to enter. He is there!
"Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings," Psalm 17:8
"Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me." Psalm 23:4
