Seeing the world...

Well, in exactly 2 months and 6 days I'll head off to Malaysia to visit my good friend Heather. She is currently an Assistant English teacher there. I wasn't expecting this. In fact at first I really did not want this. I had plans to go to Europe and when those fell through I wanted to backpack the US. Nothing was working out though. I wanted to take time to travel because I never knew when I would be able to again. I actually have the time. I actually have the money. My thoughts went back and forth from excitement to disappointment to apathy. I thought "Maybe this is just a selfish desire and God doesn't want me to go."

If I've learned anything this past year of sabbatical it's that I am set free in Christ. I am free to run, to dance, and to go...
But I still wondered why nothing was working out. Then I prayed that I'd have peace for whatever He wanted. I have seen God's plans. They are usually a little different than my own and they seem to fall into place like a puzzle. Not always of course but a lot of the time. So when I re-looked into flights to Malaysia I found a new heart growing in me. Before this I did not really have a desire for Asia. I wanted to see history I had read about. I wanted small German pubs and late night walks through Italy. I still want to see and do all of that. However, I asked God to give me the heart He desired. I found myself a few days later watching a travel channel special on Asian cuisine and I felt like I just wanted to go ANYWHERE. It didn't matter what countries but just that I was going because I wanted to see more of God's people, more places, more cultures...

So that's what I am doing if any of you wanted to know. I am going because of the freedom I have in Christ. Without him I would have a world of burden on my back. Seeing the world would end at just that. It would have no eternal significance.  I would come back unchanged (in spirit) and unbroken for lost people.

With Christ however, I can have joy wherever I go knowing that I have been adopted through the saving blood of Jesus Christ. My future is set with him. I can dance through fields, laugh with Heather, and look at the mountain tops all with JOY.  I won't have to muster it up. My joy won't be because I can identify as a traveler or because i've been to X amount of countries. It'll be because Christ died and then he rose again and with his rising he breathed new life into my lungs.

I cannot wait to see more of God's creation. I cannot wait to do it with a sister in Christ. I cannot wait to worship Him as the rocks cry out. I cannot wait to meet new peopl
e and let Christ shine his light. I have no idea what it will look like. I have no idea what the Lord has in store. But in 2 months Ill be halfway around the world (Lord willing). I don't know for sure that all this will happen...I could die tomorrow, but I do know that my Joy doesn't change.

If you could join in prayer with me about this trip that'd be wonderful. Pray for:

-Heather to continually be encouraged by the Lord as she continues to teach in a place where his hope is unknown not only at her school but with her fellow teachers.

-God to work on the hearts of those we will meet. That our joy will exude from us in a very real way. That they may see his light and hope and be changed.

-Me to remain focused on the grace I've been given. That I wouldn't start to be puffed up in pride. That I would be constantly reminded of my desperate need of grace so that I can share my authentic joy with others and mature in this joy (to run this race with endurance).

The Descent into Truth.

If I am being honest, sometimes I hate the places the Lord takes me. Sometimes he calls me to go somewhere that i'd literally rather die than go-- regardless of my vain attempts to persuade him. Regardless of how I try to convince myself there is a way around where he wants to take me. Because sometimes the truth is so ugly... So incredibly ugly that the thought of facing it seems an insurmountable task. And more often than not I find myself with a choice (because he always gives us a choice): life or death. 

I can choose to live under my own protection and self preservation, attempting to run from the dark places of my soul I fear so much. I can choose to cover up my sin with more justification. I can choose to try and hide from him and hide from what I know deep in my heart to be true of my sinful self. I can choose to act like a certain situation doesn't affect me or hurt that bad. OR... 

I can choose life.
I can choose to let God walk me into the depths of my depraved soul, letting him call me further into the darkness of the cave, to the places that I hide from myself for fear that I am really not as righteous as I think or claim to be. Or for fear that the pain is too much to handle and it will overcome me.

Something I have discovered about this choice is that either way, pain is involved. And if I have learned anything in my walk recently it is that pain demands to be felt.  No matter how big or little. But we hate this because we hate being reminded that we are jars of clay, created to depend on a strong God for support and strength. We hate this because our flesh desires to be our god. We want to walk day to day life strong and study!

But I am going to ask you...what are you afraid of?
What is it that you are fighting so hard to hide from not only God but from yourself?
What is the true state of your heart on this or that?
Are you afraid to feel your depravity or the depravity of others?

If so, you are not alone. Me too. But God has shown me wonderful things in these unbearable circumstances of life...

Some of the places I fear the most have to do with allowing myself to hurt over my own sin or over something someone has done to me. I am often afraid of feeling it. I am afraid of the pain I or someone else has caused. Afraid I won't be forgiven or that maybe I won't forgive. But God reminds me that he meets me at my most vulnerable and broken places. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.' Psalm 34:18 
Do you believe that? I know you probably know it and say you trust it...but do you really believe that? 
It is true. He really will meet you at those places in yourself you are terrified to enter. 

Because I have to wonder...
 if we aren't allowing ourselves to feel the weight of our sin or hurt...are we really seeing the weight of grace? are we seeing what he really paid for or his sufficiency for us? 

I've been allowing myself to go there in recent months. I am feeling everything and sometimes I wonder why I chose this way. It felt much better hiding from my emotions and turning them off. No one was hurting me and I didn't feel it when I hurt others. It was a seemingly great place to be. Seemingly. However, it left me broken. It robbed me of real joy. It robbed me of deep intimacy with Jesus. It made relationships with people even harder. It was actually exhausting and discouraging me. It made me blind to what God was actively doing and what he desired to do. It SAPPED MY PEACE. What I thought was comfortable was actually just me flattering myself...thinking that I could run from myself, people, and God. 

So maybe you're afraid of going there...
maybe you don't even realize you are...
Just know that from someone who has finally surrendered to it, it's a beautiful place of grace, love, and surreal joy. THAT is only possible through the Lord meeting us where we are. Make your descent into truth. Let it humble you. Let him hide you in his wings when you get to those dark places you never wanted to enter. He is there!

"Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings," Psalm 17:8

"Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me." Psalm 23:4

I'm not so sure God promises that...

This season has been filled with so. much. change. It's almost amusing to watch my expectations shatter into a million little pieces with every new turn of events. I sometimes find myself frustrated and panicked, throwing my arms around scratching to hold onto the comforts that are not there anymore. What exactly did I expect of this post-grad life? Did I really expect to find a full-time job within months? Did I expect my friendships to stay exactly the same even though everything else is seemingly different? Did I really expect for God to just hand me all of the things I wanted when I wanted them?

Yeah, I guess I did. However, I don't think I am alone in that.
A lot of people have had their expectations shattered lately. People are not who they thought they were, this time isn't looking like they thought it would, others are not as put together as they seem or "should" be...Isn't it interesting though, we convince ourselves that God is good because of the things he gives us and his "provisions".

But what if God gave you absolutely nothing you want? What if he took away your family, friends, boyfriend, career, son, daughter, etc.? I think sometimes we avoid that question. We are scared of what our heart would say regardless of what our mouths would voice. I think we are scared that if we question his goodness he will take it all away (even though the doubt remains unseen deep in our hearts). God would never do that to me, right? He loves me and wants good for me so it would not make any sense for him to keep taking from me, right?

I've wrestled with these thoughts. The more I've asked people about them the more answers I've got that did not sit well with me. A conversation went like this for example:

Me: "I want this so badly, but I am learning to grieve over desires that have gone or will go unmet."
Person: "You will get that one day. You are young. You just have to be patient. I don't think God puts desires in our hearts that he is not going to fill."

Are you sure?

What about the women who is barren but deeply desires to have her own children? What about the blind man that wants nothing more than to see God's beautiful creation?

Just because they are good desires does not mean we will receive them.
It also does not mean that somehow in God's timing they will come to be in this life...but maybe the one to come.

If we are scared of what it would mean for God not to give us the things we desire the most, then maybe we should be re-evaluate how much we desire God alone.

There's something horribly wrong with being sure that he will do this for us. It preaches entitlement. It says that because these desires are pure God will bless me. It says that God lives for me and I do not have to suffer for him. I understand where this person was coming from. And to an extent I agree...but not completely. I agree that God will ONE DAY fulfill every desire of our hearts by his love and grace alone. This may or may not mean that you'll find fulfillment here on earth. I believe that his provision and sovereignty that is talked about in the scriptures will be fully revealed when Christ returns. His grace and love will fill the desire to raise children, get married, find a fulfilling job, die at an old wise age. You may be thinking "how could love and grace fulfill my desire for a child?" . It is important to remember that earthly things cannot be where our treasure is. Christ's revealed grace on the day of redemption WILL OUTWEIGH ANY EARTHLY DESIRE. God is still good even if he doesn't fulfill the desires he places in our hearts. Who knows, he may just use that unfulfilled longing to draw you deeper into intimacy and trust with him.

God is good even when he takes away too (Job 1:21).
Do you believe that?
Do you really believe that enough to trust it when your faith is being tested and everything around you is not what you expected, asked for, or wanted?
Jesus did say  "Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son." (john 14:13)

Yet, I have to wonder if he meant that everything we desire he will give us "as long as it's pure". I have to wonder if Jesus wasn't referring to just this life but the life that is to come and the "grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ." (1 Peter 1:13). 

The GRACE  that is to come...the receiving of our inheritance. He is our inheritance. One day we will be wrapped up in him without sin and pain. We will be able to worship him for eternity. We will rest in his arms and find delight in him alone. FOREVER.  I do believe and trust that Christ alone is enough to get me through this life with or without my desires. 

I don't know how anyone can receive that message if we are too busy putting God in our neatly packed boxes that help us think we understand him. That's the prosperity gospel. He NEVER promises to fulfill our desires in this lifetime. But if he decides to (like the psalmist says in 37:4), then cherish it and thank him...just know that it will never amount to the fulfillment you will find in him on the day of redemption. That's the important part. That's the truth I think we run from.

I may be wrong about all of it. I may be on to something. I am not claiming to know the answers...I've just been wrestling and searching for truth as God prunes me of this box I stick him in sometimes.  Hopefully it encourages you to let him refine your ideas about his promises too. 

A Really Different Season of Life...

I've thought long and hard about writing a blog. Is it safe? Is it vain? Will it actually encourage anyone and bring God glory? Will it just be a bunch of rambling that people will get bored of?

I really do not have a concise answer to that. I have my thoughts, fears, doubts, yet I could not pass up the thought that someone might read these thoughts and words and be encouraged like I have been before. So I think "What the heck. It's worth a shot!" I do not claim to have all of the answers. I think God has blessed me with the ability to speculate, reason, etc. So I want to do that while also riddling each page with God's truth...whether I am believing it or not. One thing I know to be certain: truth is not changed by my belief or disbelief in it. And for that I am thankful.

Lately, when people ask me what I am doing now that I am out of school, I panic a little. Not because I have no idea what I am doing or what I want to do, but because I fear disappointing them. I know I "shouldn't" , but I do. I know the truth that God's judgement on me is the only true importance, but it does not always mean my heart knows it. I fear people pressuring me into their timelines of going to school, having kids, getting married, etc. I fear that when I tell them I am currently in a season of God ordered rest that they'll just assume I am lazy or ill-equipped for the real world. I do not really blame them though. Sometimes I think I am lazy and ill-equipped too. I think that's why I panic. Because the lies about me threaten me and tell me that if someone else thinks those things then they just might not be lies after all.

But those are not true.
I am well equipped.
I am not lazy.
I do appreciate the people who ask because they really care.

God made it very clear to me this spring that after graduation I was to take a year long sabbatical from my normal routine of school, bible studies, leadership roles, and all the other things that have kept me busy for the past 3 years. I learned he desired rest for me so that I could be refueled for counseling school and whatever else my life held. Instead of my normal Martha he wanted to turn me into a Mary. To simply sit at his feet.

And I have been...or was until the silence became deafening. Then I grew discontent. God wasn't saying ANYTHING it seemed. Was I supposed to sit here at your feet Jesus? Are you sure there is nothing you want me to be doing? Shouldn't I be preparing something?

And then others started asking those same questions which stirred my anxiety even more.
And then my fears grew louder...

Will I ever get a job in this season?
What if I wake up 30 years old and never married?
How disappointed will my parents be if they do not have grandchildren?
What will happen if I don't get into counseling school?
What happens if all of my worst fears come true and I have to just keep living?

That last one literally keeps me up at night. I fear PAIN. I fear the thought of having to live through it again when I trusted God with my future. It makes me question if God really does have good things for his children...and if he does will I get to see any of them in this lifetime? What if I never see the fulfillment of my deepest desires in life? How will I live everyday with that pain of an unfulfilled longing...

I have no job, but I am looking. I have no spouse, but it's a desire of mine. I am not going to school right now, but I want to go back. I do not have an agenda everyday, but I am not supposed to.

These questions and fears have been paralyzing me and because of them I have not been resting like he told me to. I am letting other people's thoughts and opinions of where they think I should be drown out God's opinion. Thank the Lord for grace. I don't have the answers to fix myself and make me be a better "rester". I am praying God would heal me and allow me to live more in the moment. I am thankful I do not have to fix this for myself.

So I am going to start by simply resting in that grace. I am going to rest in his call for this season even though I really do not know what that means quite yet. I am getting there. I am going to rest in the fact that God does have a plan for me and no amount of mess up is going to thwart it. Maybe we should rest in that for others too the next time we judge them for what we think they could be doing better.

There is a lot God has shown me in this time. There is a lot more pain I want to write about. And I will. My thoughts are all scattered because I just have so much I want to say. I am thinking that will iron itself out as I go;)