I've thought long and hard about writing a blog. Is it safe? Is it vain? Will it actually encourage anyone and bring God glory? Will it just be a bunch of rambling that people will get bored of?
I really do not have a concise answer to that. I have my thoughts, fears, doubts, yet I could not pass up the thought that someone might read these thoughts and words and be encouraged like I have been before. So I think "What the heck. It's worth a shot!" I do not claim to have all of the answers. I think God has blessed me with the ability to speculate, reason, etc. So I want to do that while also riddling each page with God's truth...whether I am believing it or not. One thing I know to be certain: truth is not changed by my belief or disbelief in it. And for that I am thankful.
Lately, when people ask me what I am doing now that I am out of school, I panic a little. Not because I have no idea what I am doing or what I want to do, but because I fear disappointing them. I know I "shouldn't" , but I do. I know the truth that God's judgement on me is the only true importance, but it does not always mean my heart knows it. I fear people pressuring me into their timelines of going to school, having kids, getting married, etc. I fear that when I tell them I am currently in a season of God ordered rest that they'll just assume I am lazy or ill-equipped for the real world. I do not really blame them though. Sometimes I think I am lazy and ill-equipped too. I think that's why I panic. Because the lies about me threaten me and tell me that if someone else thinks those things then they just might not be lies after all.
But those are not true.
I am well equipped.
I am not lazy.
I do appreciate the people who ask because they really care.
God made it very clear to me this spring that after graduation I was to take a year long sabbatical from my normal routine of school, bible studies, leadership roles, and all the other things that have kept me busy for the past 3 years. I learned he desired rest for me so that I could be refueled for counseling school and whatever else my life held. Instead of my normal Martha he wanted to turn me into a Mary. To simply sit at his feet.
And I have been...or was until the silence became deafening. Then I grew discontent. God wasn't saying ANYTHING it seemed. Was I supposed to sit here at your feet Jesus? Are you sure there is nothing you want me to be doing? Shouldn't I be preparing something?
And then others started asking those same questions which stirred my anxiety even more.
And then my fears grew louder...
Will I ever get a job in this season?
What if I wake up 30 years old and never married?
How disappointed will my parents be if they do not have grandchildren?
What will happen if I don't get into counseling school?
What happens if all of my worst fears come true and I have to just keep living?
That last one literally keeps me up at night. I fear PAIN. I fear the thought of having to live through it again when I trusted God with my future. It makes me question if God really does have good things for his children...and if he does will I get to see any of them in this lifetime? What if I never see the fulfillment of my deepest desires in life? How will I live everyday with that pain of an unfulfilled longing...
I have no job, but I am looking. I have no spouse, but it's a desire of mine. I am not going to school right now, but I want to go back. I do not have an agenda everyday, but I am not supposed to.
These questions and fears have been paralyzing me and because of them I have not been resting like he told me to. I am letting other people's thoughts and opinions of where they think I should be drown out God's opinion. Thank the Lord for grace. I don't have the answers to fix myself and make me be a better "rester". I am praying God would heal me and allow me to live more in the moment. I am thankful I do not have to fix this for myself.
So I am going to start by simply resting in that grace. I am going to rest in his call for this season even though I really do not know what that means quite yet. I am getting there. I am going to rest in the fact that God does have a plan for me and no amount of mess up is going to thwart it. Maybe we should rest in that for others too the next time we judge them for what we think they could be doing better.
There is a lot God has shown me in this time. There is a lot more pain I want to write about. And I will. My thoughts are all scattered because I just have so much I want to say. I am thinking that will iron itself out as I go;)
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