I'm not so sure God promises that...

This season has been filled with so. much. change. It's almost amusing to watch my expectations shatter into a million little pieces with every new turn of events. I sometimes find myself frustrated and panicked, throwing my arms around scratching to hold onto the comforts that are not there anymore. What exactly did I expect of this post-grad life? Did I really expect to find a full-time job within months? Did I expect my friendships to stay exactly the same even though everything else is seemingly different? Did I really expect for God to just hand me all of the things I wanted when I wanted them?

Yeah, I guess I did. However, I don't think I am alone in that.
A lot of people have had their expectations shattered lately. People are not who they thought they were, this time isn't looking like they thought it would, others are not as put together as they seem or "should" be...Isn't it interesting though, we convince ourselves that God is good because of the things he gives us and his "provisions".

But what if God gave you absolutely nothing you want? What if he took away your family, friends, boyfriend, career, son, daughter, etc.? I think sometimes we avoid that question. We are scared of what our heart would say regardless of what our mouths would voice. I think we are scared that if we question his goodness he will take it all away (even though the doubt remains unseen deep in our hearts). God would never do that to me, right? He loves me and wants good for me so it would not make any sense for him to keep taking from me, right?

I've wrestled with these thoughts. The more I've asked people about them the more answers I've got that did not sit well with me. A conversation went like this for example:

Me: "I want this so badly, but I am learning to grieve over desires that have gone or will go unmet."
Person: "You will get that one day. You are young. You just have to be patient. I don't think God puts desires in our hearts that he is not going to fill."

Are you sure?

What about the women who is barren but deeply desires to have her own children? What about the blind man that wants nothing more than to see God's beautiful creation?

Just because they are good desires does not mean we will receive them.
It also does not mean that somehow in God's timing they will come to be in this life...but maybe the one to come.

If we are scared of what it would mean for God not to give us the things we desire the most, then maybe we should be re-evaluate how much we desire God alone.

There's something horribly wrong with being sure that he will do this for us. It preaches entitlement. It says that because these desires are pure God will bless me. It says that God lives for me and I do not have to suffer for him. I understand where this person was coming from. And to an extent I agree...but not completely. I agree that God will ONE DAY fulfill every desire of our hearts by his love and grace alone. This may or may not mean that you'll find fulfillment here on earth. I believe that his provision and sovereignty that is talked about in the scriptures will be fully revealed when Christ returns. His grace and love will fill the desire to raise children, get married, find a fulfilling job, die at an old wise age. You may be thinking "how could love and grace fulfill my desire for a child?" . It is important to remember that earthly things cannot be where our treasure is. Christ's revealed grace on the day of redemption WILL OUTWEIGH ANY EARTHLY DESIRE. God is still good even if he doesn't fulfill the desires he places in our hearts. Who knows, he may just use that unfulfilled longing to draw you deeper into intimacy and trust with him.

God is good even when he takes away too (Job 1:21).
Do you believe that?
Do you really believe that enough to trust it when your faith is being tested and everything around you is not what you expected, asked for, or wanted?
Jesus did say  "Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son." (john 14:13)

Yet, I have to wonder if he meant that everything we desire he will give us "as long as it's pure". I have to wonder if Jesus wasn't referring to just this life but the life that is to come and the "grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ." (1 Peter 1:13). 

The GRACE  that is to come...the receiving of our inheritance. He is our inheritance. One day we will be wrapped up in him without sin and pain. We will be able to worship him for eternity. We will rest in his arms and find delight in him alone. FOREVER.  I do believe and trust that Christ alone is enough to get me through this life with or without my desires. 

I don't know how anyone can receive that message if we are too busy putting God in our neatly packed boxes that help us think we understand him. That's the prosperity gospel. He NEVER promises to fulfill our desires in this lifetime. But if he decides to (like the psalmist says in 37:4), then cherish it and thank him...just know that it will never amount to the fulfillment you will find in him on the day of redemption. That's the important part. That's the truth I think we run from.

I may be wrong about all of it. I may be on to something. I am not claiming to know the answers...I've just been wrestling and searching for truth as God prunes me of this box I stick him in sometimes.  Hopefully it encourages you to let him refine your ideas about his promises too. 

A Really Different Season of Life...

I've thought long and hard about writing a blog. Is it safe? Is it vain? Will it actually encourage anyone and bring God glory? Will it just be a bunch of rambling that people will get bored of?

I really do not have a concise answer to that. I have my thoughts, fears, doubts, yet I could not pass up the thought that someone might read these thoughts and words and be encouraged like I have been before. So I think "What the heck. It's worth a shot!" I do not claim to have all of the answers. I think God has blessed me with the ability to speculate, reason, etc. So I want to do that while also riddling each page with God's truth...whether I am believing it or not. One thing I know to be certain: truth is not changed by my belief or disbelief in it. And for that I am thankful.

Lately, when people ask me what I am doing now that I am out of school, I panic a little. Not because I have no idea what I am doing or what I want to do, but because I fear disappointing them. I know I "shouldn't" , but I do. I know the truth that God's judgement on me is the only true importance, but it does not always mean my heart knows it. I fear people pressuring me into their timelines of going to school, having kids, getting married, etc. I fear that when I tell them I am currently in a season of God ordered rest that they'll just assume I am lazy or ill-equipped for the real world. I do not really blame them though. Sometimes I think I am lazy and ill-equipped too. I think that's why I panic. Because the lies about me threaten me and tell me that if someone else thinks those things then they just might not be lies after all.

But those are not true.
I am well equipped.
I am not lazy.
I do appreciate the people who ask because they really care.

God made it very clear to me this spring that after graduation I was to take a year long sabbatical from my normal routine of school, bible studies, leadership roles, and all the other things that have kept me busy for the past 3 years. I learned he desired rest for me so that I could be refueled for counseling school and whatever else my life held. Instead of my normal Martha he wanted to turn me into a Mary. To simply sit at his feet.

And I have been...or was until the silence became deafening. Then I grew discontent. God wasn't saying ANYTHING it seemed. Was I supposed to sit here at your feet Jesus? Are you sure there is nothing you want me to be doing? Shouldn't I be preparing something?

And then others started asking those same questions which stirred my anxiety even more.
And then my fears grew louder...

Will I ever get a job in this season?
What if I wake up 30 years old and never married?
How disappointed will my parents be if they do not have grandchildren?
What will happen if I don't get into counseling school?
What happens if all of my worst fears come true and I have to just keep living?

That last one literally keeps me up at night. I fear PAIN. I fear the thought of having to live through it again when I trusted God with my future. It makes me question if God really does have good things for his children...and if he does will I get to see any of them in this lifetime? What if I never see the fulfillment of my deepest desires in life? How will I live everyday with that pain of an unfulfilled longing...

I have no job, but I am looking. I have no spouse, but it's a desire of mine. I am not going to school right now, but I want to go back. I do not have an agenda everyday, but I am not supposed to.

These questions and fears have been paralyzing me and because of them I have not been resting like he told me to. I am letting other people's thoughts and opinions of where they think I should be drown out God's opinion. Thank the Lord for grace. I don't have the answers to fix myself and make me be a better "rester". I am praying God would heal me and allow me to live more in the moment. I am thankful I do not have to fix this for myself.

So I am going to start by simply resting in that grace. I am going to rest in his call for this season even though I really do not know what that means quite yet. I am getting there. I am going to rest in the fact that God does have a plan for me and no amount of mess up is going to thwart it. Maybe we should rest in that for others too the next time we judge them for what we think they could be doing better.

There is a lot God has shown me in this time. There is a lot more pain I want to write about. And I will. My thoughts are all scattered because I just have so much I want to say. I am thinking that will iron itself out as I go;)